I sure hope your insurance adjustor is a Republican.

Monty Python beat you out on this one, billmon:

I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush
Terry Jones
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.

As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq.

Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out.

My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.

Monty Python beat you out on this one, billmon:

LOL. You would have to go and point that out. 'Sides, it was only one Python, not the whole pack.

actually, the two sets of Bush remarks - the Polish TV comments and then this one - suggest a man blabbing incoherently in the face of criticism.

bush has never created a mess in his life that someone else didn't bail him out of. this one may be different, and he truly has no idea what to say.

if, for instance, he had ever in his life allowed that he made a mistake - or if anyone around had a shred of humility instead of the overweening arrogance that is their primary trait - he could face up to reality.

instead, the man is in denial (as, sadly, is the media - how does he get away with babbling like this without some further comment upon it?).

larry c: good catch, dude.

billmon: hilarious :) thanks for that one also.

Kudos to you larry c and billmon! Isn't it amazing how just even a little common sense and simple analogy (and it seems so trivial and humorous but is very logical)can be used to blow the neocon logic just out of the water. But noooooooo instead the mantra is ..."Must stop evil"...."Must believe and stand by the President no matter what",.. "Saddam Hussein=9/11",..."Must support war because if I don't I am a US troop-hating,Saddam-Lover, unpatriotic traitor",... etc, etc,.
I am amazed at how people can be led so blindly and lose all ability to think rationally. Is this what happened in Nazi Germany?

Potentially, an even bigger scandal:

"I wouldn't be surprised if Saddam disappeared suddenly because a deal was made in Moscow to let him, his family, and his money leave in return for the country. The war had gone badly for the US in the south, and Bush couldn't risk the same in Baghdad. On 6 April, a Russian convoy leaving Iraq was bombed; Condi Rice appeared in Russia on 7 April; Baghdad fell 9 April."

FROM THE OBSERVER

if, for instance, he had ever in his life allowed that he made a mistake

come on, he said trading sammy sosa was a mistake; that's something a regular guy can empathize with. Why, I remember back in the old days when I traded Nolan Ryan- stupid stupid stupid

Not only have you helped make America safer by
eliminating another possible harbor for terrist WMDs... but you are also helping stimulate the economy by creating more job oportunities for carpenters and roofers and garage door manufacturers.
Thank you for doing your part for the Homeland.
Thank you for being a real American.

*

Do you have a camper? Better drive it off a cliff, because

"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. You remember when Colin Powell stood up in front of the world, and he said, Iraq has got laboratories, mobile labs to build biological weapons. They're illegal. They're against the United Nations resolutions, and we've so far discovered two. And we'll find more weapons as time goes on. But for those who say we haven't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found them." -- GWB May 29, 2003
http://www.whitehouse.gov/g8/interview5.html

http://writ.news.findlaw.com/dean/20030606.html

Missing Weapons Of Mass Destruction:
Is Lying About The Reason For War An Impeachable Offense?
By JOHN W. DEAN

"It's important to recall that when Richard Nixon resigned, he was about to be impeached by the House of Representatives for misusing the CIA and FBI. After Watergate, all presidents are on notice that manipulating or misusing any agency of the executive branch improperly is a serious abuse of presidential power.

Nixon claimed that his misuses of the federal agencies for his political purposes were in the interest of national security. The same kind of thinking might lead a President to manipulate and misuse national security agencies or their intelligence to create a phony reason to lead the nation into a politically desirable war. Let us hope that is not the case."

Here it comes...

Burning Down the House
by Billmon Byrne

Burning Down the House

I'm not going to go that far -- even though I am getting disturbing intelligence reports about what's in my basement . . .

Breaking news...

Saddam continues to hide Nuclear, Biological, Chemical weapons..... from the grave!
Toppled leader proves remarkably resilient in the next world

I am shocked! Just Shocked at discovering CD's of the Dickie Chicks in your shed that was still left standing. Just Shocked!

Man, if your garage might have contained WMDs, heaven forbid UNSCOM gets a glimpse of what's going on in the back of my fridge!

"I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am."
- Monty Python

i'm thinking of compiling a book of folksy wisdom from our side during this whole mess, including billmon and this guy and, offered in all humbleness, my own pride and joy, the tale of the psychotic fireman. it seems to be -- dare i say it? -- a meme going around...down-home-commonsensical wisdom subverting the madness of our times.

(1) I think the collective noun for (Monty) Pythons would be nest, not pack...

(2) It gets worse... I've stolen this piece and posted it on my weblog (linked back, of course)at http://www.20six.co.uk/-/en/weblog/lxx4te0k5f9n?categoryId=vy892htdsdp2&preview=1 - yeah, you don't want to type in all that code so just do the www.20six.co.uk bit and look around for "The Dysfunctional Café" & if you can't find it you can e-mail me at mikekillingworth@aol.com & I will give you the MD's e-mail address & you can bollock him yourselves.

(3) As an old Englishman I can't do the LOL/emoticons bit for fuxache, but consider them done if you like... btw, for the same reason, I have actually lived under a socialist government and yes, power outages (see, I even know Yank) do improve your sex life...